Diary of a Mending Heart

Intense love does not measure it just gives  Mother Teresa of Calcutta I have not written in my blog for a long long time. But between time and space, my heart hasn't stopped mending or breaking. There is a lot to be left unwritten and unfortunately those times will remain the unwritten chapters of my journey. Somethings are better left to ones soul to sort out and not necessarily the rest of the world. The past months have been a whirlwind of emotions. Ups and downs, lefts and rights. Never really knowing where I was going or what i was doing. But I'd like to focus on the quote above in this writing because I love and I love deeply but to often have I heard the words spat at me that I don't love him because I've done (fill in the blank) Each time I hear this it hurts me more and more. I love so deeply and intensely I haven't kept track of the times he has made me happy. I don't keep a tally on the times he's hurt me. Love and time forgives and heals al

So it's been a while since I've posted in my blog. Time constraints keep me from accessing the parts of me that I desire. Hopefully, now that can change.

Normally, my posts have a theme or topic. Today I'm taking a venture off that beaten path and just writing whatever comes to mind. So bear with me if the post gets lengthy and becomes quite the harangue. I guess I'm just writing to get things out of my head. Things seem quite jumbled lately and nothing seems to make sense. There's a lot I have sorted through in the last month as far as my self worth and happiness are concerned but I feel as if I haven't touched on some real feelings that I was trying to avoid or deny. I'll start rather bluntly. I miss him. I love him. I'm afraid of him yet find security in him. Everything is all sorts of fucked up. I feel like life has played a cruel joke on me. Fuck cruel, it's played a malicious joke on me. I've been touched by love more than once. True love, not just the superficial, teen angst-y sort of love. Not the I can't live with out him sort of love but true, down to the core, feel it in your soul, comp

I write this blog today because I am reminded of loss on this day. Today is April 11th, 2010 and is the birthday of my deceased ex-fiancée. He would have been 25. I glimpse into the past and reflect on the lessons I've learned from my losing him. Shortly before he passed away I had broken up with him. I was tired and struggling. No matter what I had done it seemed like he wouldn't get his life together. He was content in just settling for what life had offered him and I couldn't live with that. I down right refused to live with that. I wanted more than project walls, drinking and toking. I wanted my 2 story house, white picket fence, 2.5 children and a Husband I would love for all of time. He wanted so desperately for us to be together and I told him that I couldn't discount the future and what it may have in store for us but as of that moment, nothing existed between us. It hurt me so much to say such a thing because I loved him so much but i had to do what was rig

"a woman's worth isn't valued by the man that claims he loves her, but the love of self she claims before anyone can claim her..."- Jared C Loving myself has always been difficult for me. It's easier to tell myself that I'm not laudable. In times I have even hated myself. So much so, that I push the people I love the most away, feeling as if their love for me was completely unwarranted and that I was the least deserving person of this love. As I recoup from the disseverance of my marriage I realize now that for a long time I was unhappy with myself. It wasn't my husband that made me miserable or the routine of my days, it was me. I have become cognizant of the fact that I put forth my best efforts to convince myself and my husband that I was undeserving of any of the things that made me happy. I became a person I never wanted to be but had convinced myself that I was. I acted the role so well, that at the end of our marriage my husband was convinced that

Main Entry:  1 ev·er·last·ing   Pronunciation:  \ ˌ e-vər- ˈ las-tiŋ\ Function:  adjective Date: 13th century 1   :  lasting or enduring through all time  :   eternal 2 a  (1)   :  continuing for a long time or indefinitely (2)   :  having or being flowers or  foliage that retain form or color for a long time when dried  b   : tediously persistent  Main Entry:  hap·pi·ness   Pronunciation:  \ ˈ ha-pē-nəs\ Function:  noun Date: 15th century 1   obsolete   :  good fortune  :   prosperity 2 a   :  a state of well-being and contentment  :   joy   b   :  a pleasurable or satisfying experience I started this entry out with the definitions of the two main words or focus of the title, Everlasting and Happiness. That way we can all start from the same point because I know each of us has our own definition of what these words mean. This entry was actually inspired by the fact that I have seen many of my friends breaking up lately. When I ask why or what went wrong in their relationship th

Growing up I had always been known as the strong one. The person in the family who didn't show their feelings through a crisis as to keep everything together. It was a very brittle strength. I never felt as if I had an outlet for all the hurt I was feeling.So I always bottled my feelings up never allowing myself to feel much. Never really allowing myself to cry or to be seen crying. Five years ago that strength finally cracked. My ex-fiancée died and I was lost. I didn't know what to do with myself. I was beside myself. I had invested almost 5 years of my life into him. After he died, I went and did things to cover up the pain. Never really dealing with it. I had based so much of who I was on our relationship that when he passed away I felt like I had died. My family tried to be supportive but all I could do was push them away. I had never dealt with such anguish before. I felt vulnerable and scared. Immediately, I erected some what of a labyrinth and fortress around me. Peop

My first instinct was to title this blog "Diary of a Broken Heart", seeming as how recent and very current events had left my heart, mind, soul and psyche in such a state. Upon much contemplation, I discovered that if I allowed myself to dwell upon the broken heart that it would remain as such. So, here we are chronicling my life and re-birth. For those that do not know the back story or any history, I'll start from the beginning. But that begs the question of; "Where does this all really start?" Which is a REALLY good question. Let's just start with the past 2 years, I'm sure we'll wind up further back in my life as I write these blogs and continue on my journey. I'm certain there will be correlations between my childhood, previous relationships, friendships and my current marriage for this to all tie together. Two years ago I was a different person than I am today. If you asked me to characterize the woman I was then I would have to say s