I write this blog today because I am reminded of loss on this day. Today is April 11th, 2010 and is the birthday of my deceased ex-fiancée. He would have been 25. I glimpse into the past and reflect on the lessons I've learned from my losing him.
Shortly before he passed away I had broken up with him. I was tired and struggling. No matter what I had done it seemed like he wouldn't get his life together. He was content in just settling for what life had offered him and I couldn't live with that. I down right refused to live with that. I wanted more than project walls, drinking and toking. I wanted my 2 story house, white picket fence, 2.5 children and a Husband I would love for all of time.
He wanted so desperately for us to be together and I told him that I couldn't discount the future and what it may have in store for us but as of that moment, nothing existed between us. It hurt me so much to say such a thing because I loved him so much but i had to do what was right for myself. The night that he passed I hung up on him. We had been arguing and i had had enough. I quite simply said 'I can't do this right now Rob" and hung up the phone. I ignored his phone calls and text messages for the rest of the night. When I woke the next morning he kept calling me. I kept ignoring him. Finally, I gave in to check my voicemail and it was his stepfather asking me if I knew anything. I was puzzled and immediately called back. When I couldn't reach him I tried a friends number. To which I was informed that Rob was deceased.
I'll never forget that day. I'll never forget the pain. The emptiness. The horror. I remember the moment I found out, I screamed and my mom came running in to see if I was okay and all I could say was "He's dead.. He's dead" My entire world had fallen apart. I spent almost 5 years with Rob. We had so much together and apart.
We had endured cancer together. Yes, together. He was the one diagnosed but when he tried to break up with me because of it I wouldn't let him. I told him I loved him through thick and thin and that I was by his side, that we were going through this together. He later admitted to me that the only reason he consented to the surgery to remove his tumor and go through chemotherapy treatments was because he wanted so badly to live to be with me. We played video games together & read our comics . We would watch movies, go out and do random things. He loved to skate, I used to skate and board but had stopped long before I met him, we tried to do it together but it always wound up being a comical event. He bought me my pair of Agg Skates. I loved them so much. I remember the time I flew him out to San Antonio.You see, I was working as a Youth Advocate and was being sent there for a Conference. His best friend had just moved out there, so I flew him out there. It was a magical time. We enjoyed the view from the hotel together, walked along the Riverwalk and ate lunch before I boarded a plane home at the Hard Rock Cafe. There are so many memories I can not even begin to express.
This relationship really defined me as a person. So much of me was in him. You see, I was 15 when we started dating so it was the time of my life that I was really defining who I am. The things I grew to love were because of his introduction of them to me. Yes, I had loved comics and video games before him but with him was an even better experience to me. Seriously, hours of reading and swapping comics. Playing one player games together, just by simply plugging in the gun. (Resident Evil: Dead Aim ... was so amazing with the gun that had recoil!) After he died, I couldn't even look at a PS2 without breaking down to tears. To hold a controller in my hand felt awkward and empty.
Nothing seemed to have the same joy or life in it anymore. My pain was that great. It has taken me years to "get over" his death. I wandered for a long time. Drifting from place to place trying to hold onto him but yet let go. I got involved in activities that were less than desirable just to try and forget him. The loss was that great to me. There are days i still "talk" to him. I lay, looking at the stars and feel connected. I update him on my life, I cry and some days I even tell him I still love him. Which brings me to this quote:
“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.”
Norman Cousins
I have lost many people in my life. Each time, I lose a piece of myself. With the death of Rob my passion for life was diminished. I stopped caring about anything and everything. Life had died inside of me. I had become a hollow shell of a former existence.
I really let myself go. Well, isn't that the understatement of history and all of time. I beyond let myself go. I wandered so far of my path I lost myself. I forgot who I was and all that I stood for. Each time I had come to grips with what I lost I tried to regain myself. I tried to be the person I USED to be rather than move forward with the person I had become and improving that person.
That was the way I had previously dealt with loss. Today now, I am able to mourn. I allow myself to feel what I am feeling but realize feelings aren't facts. I am able to let go of things and feel as if I'm not losing them forever. Even if I really am. I was afraid of loss. Honestly. I adapt well to most situations in life except loss.
There are things that sometimes, I just really don't want to let go of. That I have a hard time letting go of but I have come to accept that it is for the best. Regardless of what I want.
Loss is always difficult to deal with but it's what you take away from it that counts. It won't ease your pain any sooner but at the end of the road, or maybe even mid road, you'll be able to reflect on the memories fondly. You can take the lessons you've learned and apply them to a better life you did not know existed until you thought you had lost it all.
With Love and Respect for all in the Universe,
Kristina
PS. Thanks to Rob for being an inspiration in life and death
Shortly before he passed away I had broken up with him. I was tired and struggling. No matter what I had done it seemed like he wouldn't get his life together. He was content in just settling for what life had offered him and I couldn't live with that. I down right refused to live with that. I wanted more than project walls, drinking and toking. I wanted my 2 story house, white picket fence, 2.5 children and a Husband I would love for all of time.
He wanted so desperately for us to be together and I told him that I couldn't discount the future and what it may have in store for us but as of that moment, nothing existed between us. It hurt me so much to say such a thing because I loved him so much but i had to do what was right for myself. The night that he passed I hung up on him. We had been arguing and i had had enough. I quite simply said 'I can't do this right now Rob" and hung up the phone. I ignored his phone calls and text messages for the rest of the night. When I woke the next morning he kept calling me. I kept ignoring him. Finally, I gave in to check my voicemail and it was his stepfather asking me if I knew anything. I was puzzled and immediately called back. When I couldn't reach him I tried a friends number. To which I was informed that Rob was deceased.
I'll never forget that day. I'll never forget the pain. The emptiness. The horror. I remember the moment I found out, I screamed and my mom came running in to see if I was okay and all I could say was "He's dead.. He's dead" My entire world had fallen apart. I spent almost 5 years with Rob. We had so much together and apart.
We had endured cancer together. Yes, together. He was the one diagnosed but when he tried to break up with me because of it I wouldn't let him. I told him I loved him through thick and thin and that I was by his side, that we were going through this together. He later admitted to me that the only reason he consented to the surgery to remove his tumor and go through chemotherapy treatments was because he wanted so badly to live to be with me. We played video games together & read our comics . We would watch movies, go out and do random things. He loved to skate, I used to skate and board but had stopped long before I met him, we tried to do it together but it always wound up being a comical event. He bought me my pair of Agg Skates. I loved them so much. I remember the time I flew him out to San Antonio.You see, I was working as a Youth Advocate and was being sent there for a Conference. His best friend had just moved out there, so I flew him out there. It was a magical time. We enjoyed the view from the hotel together, walked along the Riverwalk and ate lunch before I boarded a plane home at the Hard Rock Cafe. There are so many memories I can not even begin to express.
This relationship really defined me as a person. So much of me was in him. You see, I was 15 when we started dating so it was the time of my life that I was really defining who I am. The things I grew to love were because of his introduction of them to me. Yes, I had loved comics and video games before him but with him was an even better experience to me. Seriously, hours of reading and swapping comics. Playing one player games together, just by simply plugging in the gun. (Resident Evil: Dead Aim ... was so amazing with the gun that had recoil!) After he died, I couldn't even look at a PS2 without breaking down to tears. To hold a controller in my hand felt awkward and empty.
Nothing seemed to have the same joy or life in it anymore. My pain was that great. It has taken me years to "get over" his death. I wandered for a long time. Drifting from place to place trying to hold onto him but yet let go. I got involved in activities that were less than desirable just to try and forget him. The loss was that great to me. There are days i still "talk" to him. I lay, looking at the stars and feel connected. I update him on my life, I cry and some days I even tell him I still love him. Which brings me to this quote:
“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.”
Norman Cousins
I have lost many people in my life. Each time, I lose a piece of myself. With the death of Rob my passion for life was diminished. I stopped caring about anything and everything. Life had died inside of me. I had become a hollow shell of a former existence.
I really let myself go. Well, isn't that the understatement of history and all of time. I beyond let myself go. I wandered so far of my path I lost myself. I forgot who I was and all that I stood for. Each time I had come to grips with what I lost I tried to regain myself. I tried to be the person I USED to be rather than move forward with the person I had become and improving that person.
That was the way I had previously dealt with loss. Today now, I am able to mourn. I allow myself to feel what I am feeling but realize feelings aren't facts. I am able to let go of things and feel as if I'm not losing them forever. Even if I really am. I was afraid of loss. Honestly. I adapt well to most situations in life except loss.
There are things that sometimes, I just really don't want to let go of. That I have a hard time letting go of but I have come to accept that it is for the best. Regardless of what I want.
Loss is always difficult to deal with but it's what you take away from it that counts. It won't ease your pain any sooner but at the end of the road, or maybe even mid road, you'll be able to reflect on the memories fondly. You can take the lessons you've learned and apply them to a better life you did not know existed until you thought you had lost it all.
With Love and Respect for all in the Universe,
Kristina
PS. Thanks to Rob for being an inspiration in life and death
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