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Intense love does not measure it just gives 

Mother Teresa of Calcutta

I have not written in my blog for a long long time. But between time and space, my heart hasn't stopped mending or breaking. There is a lot to be left unwritten and unfortunately those times will remain the unwritten chapters of my journey. Somethings are better left to ones soul to sort out and not necessarily the rest of the world.

The past months have been a whirlwind of emotions. Ups and downs, lefts and rights. Never really knowing where I was going or what i was doing. But I'd like to focus on the quote above in this writing because I love and I love deeply but to often have I heard the words spat at me that I don't love him because I've done (fill in the blank)

Each time I hear this it hurts me more and more. I love so deeply and intensely I haven't kept track of the times he has made me happy. I don't keep a tally on the times he's hurt me. Love and time forgives and heals all wounds.Or at least that's my belief.

Every day I hear friends and family criticize me for supporting him and his artistic endeavors. What they fail to realise is I believe in him. I believe in his cause. Even if he doesn't fully realise it. I believe in him and the love I have for him which is why I'm so willing to give everything so freely. I don't dwell on our past. Yes, he has hurt me and yes, he has left me with nothing but our past has nothing to do with our present.

But I don't want to focus on just that. I would like to touch on all of love. Past loves and a love to be (I'm really hoping I won't have to go through it multiple times, I just want to be with that one. I'm a sucker for monogamy what can I say?)

Intense love never dies. Regardless of the time past or the changing factors. I recently relearned this lesson while talking with a close friend of mine. For 5 years now, I have suppressed feelings. I've told the story of my ex, Rob, passing away innumerable amounts of times. It had been years since I cried while telling that story. Typically, I detach myself from the situation in order to just get through the story. The emotions behind it never really surfacing because I feel as if the emotions have nothing to do with the way he died.

It wasn't until a couple of weeks ago, when I broke down telling the story, that I realised I am still deeply in love with Rob. I have always known that he will have a special place in my heart. He was my first true love. A soul mate of sorts (If you believe in that sort of thing). These tears hadn't been the typical bittersweet droplets I shed. They had been created from a place of heart wrenching sadness, emptiness and longing. I didn't know that even 5 years I still long for him, for the advice he gave me, the quiet ear and respect. I still long for the days where we laid in bed, just talking and cuddling the day away.

God my life has changed so much. Not that I'd ever change it, but I do often wonder what it could have been like. I feel like a terrible person for that. I love the family I created. Albeit with out him. At that time in my life, I swore he'd have been the one I had my family with. It's hard to believe it's only been a few short years since then and I have a family. A strange dynamic.

Intense love stretches further than I could have ever imagined.

(None of this makes any sense, my brain and thoughts are jumbled.)