"a woman's worth isn't valued by the man that claims he loves her, but the love of self she claims before anyone can claim her..."- Jared C
Loving myself has always been difficult for me. It's easier to tell myself that I'm not laudable. In times I have even hated myself. So much so, that I push the people I love the most away, feeling as if their love for me was completely unwarranted and that I was the least deserving person of this love.
As I recoup from the disseverance of my marriage I realize now that for a long time I was unhappy with myself. It wasn't my husband that made me miserable or the routine of my days, it was me. I have become cognizant of the fact that I put forth my best efforts to convince myself and my husband that I was undeserving of any of the things that made me happy. I became a person I never wanted to be but had convinced myself that I was. I acted the role so well, that at the end of our marriage my husband was convinced that the person I was presenting myself to be must have been the person I am and always will be.
Right now, I'm not sure what hurts the most, the fact that I can't seem to love myself enough to be the person I truly am or that the people I allowed to get close to me can't see through my bullshit (Can we say trust issues..?). Both honestly hurt a lot. Why can't I see the good inside of me? I know that deep down I am not a terrible person, that my intentions are never malicious, but my reactions can be.
Take for instance, my Sister-in-law, she and I never really saw eye to eye on just about anything. We had our moments where we seemed like the best of friends and times we down right hated each other. When she started dating a guy I knew, I had gotten some information that he was cheating on her. I spent the entire day verifying with outside sources, seeing what other people had heard or seen for themselves. I struggled with whether or not I should tell her, part of me felt like it's not my relationship I should stay out of it but then the other part of me felt that if I could save her a world of hurt then I should. So, I decided to tell her. She immediately jumped on the defensive, which I kind of expected. Let's just say her best defense brought out my best offense. We both said some really hurtful things to each other.
Now, it wasn't my intention to hurt her or to cause her any stress but that is what wound up happening. Because of my reaction to her hurt. I'm not a terrible person for telling her something, that I saw foundation in, thinking I could save her from getting any further hurt than she may already be. Does that make a terrible person? The answer is no. For months afterwards, I held a grudge against her because of how she had reacted. Does that make me a terrible person. The answer is no.
I don't honestly believe there is really such a thing as a terrible person. Just terrible reactions to situations people are put in. Now for myself, I carry the burden of my actions. Swearing that they must make me a terrible human being undeserving of anything kind. I bear judgement on many people and things in life but I cast worse judgement upon myself.
For other people, it is easy for me to see their perspective and understand why they have acted the way they did and I usually forgive them rather easily, because in my head "They are just human after all". It is also easy for me to discern my perspective and actions but I won't allow myself to be forgiven for them. I guess you could say that I hold myself to a higher standard and won't excuse my own behavior. Now to people looking from the outside, it often seems that I'm adamant in my standings and that I must be "right" and that I don't cast any blame upon myself. But for me, my blame is silent. I torture myself over it. Constantly pulling apart the situation, tearing it apart asking myself "WHY?" and never being able to answer myself.
If only the world could see the inner workings of my mind and how I tear myself up. I do so much self evaluation and breaking down that I'm not sure there is much left to me. All I ever can seem to focus on is the bad I have done and the people I have hurt. I don't want to hurt them and hurting them is punishment for myself. Sounds fucked up, eh? Hurting them pushes them away from me, proving to me that I am not worthy of their love or to even love myself. It further reinforces this feeling that I am all the terrible things people say to me out of anger.
That is until recently.
Recently, I have discovered a woman inside me that I'm certain always existed but I shielded her beauty. Quite possibly because if I admitted she existed I would have to admit to myself that I'm not bad. Also, I was protecting her from the world. This woman inside me, is fragile and the world is harsh. She came out early in the relationship between my husband and I and she got hurt. Was left emotionally raw and the outcome wasn't pretty, which once again supported my belief that I was bad.
Back to the discovering her though. She is beautiful, I don't want to define her to much but she is kind, loving, compassionate, stronger than I ever gave her credit for, romantic, and bittersweet at times. She is THE person I always was but never wanted to see. She is the woman behind all the beauty I hold and the poems that I write. She is the muse. I've come to value her within these past weeks. She is awe-inspiring. When I see her and allow myself access to her I have this vulnerability about me. She makes me feel weak but ensures me it's okay. She is the one that holds hope for the future. I applying myself to her. Each day embracing her and all the feelings that come with it.
Rather than being bitter, angry, jaded and cynical, I embrace the aversion I once had to confessing to the world the beautiful woman that I am, inside and out. I am worthy. I deserve an unconditional sort of love. A love that only I owe myself.
My love and worth are not based upon the friends that I have or my significant other, it's not based upon monetary value or the things I own. I could be in rags and have nobody in the world and I'd still be a priceless treasure to myself.
With that, I will sign off with a quote from Buddha...
“Just as treasures are uncovered from the earth, so virtue appears from good deeds, and wisdom appears from a pure and peaceful mind. To walk safely through the maze of human life, one needs the light of wisdom and the guidance of virtue."
I would like to Thank Jared for the quote headlining this blog entry. It was really thought provoking and touched me deeply.
With Love and Respect for all in the Universe,
Kristina
Kristina
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