Diary of a Mending Heart

Normally, my posts have a theme or topic. Today I'm taking a venture off that beaten path and just writing whatever comes to mind. So bear with me if the post gets lengthy and becomes quite the harangue. I guess I'm just writing to get things out of my head. Things seem quite jumbled lately and nothing seems to make sense. There's a lot I have sorted through in the last month as far as my self worth and happiness are concerned but I feel as if I haven't touched on some real feelings that I was trying to avoid or deny. I'll start rather bluntly. I miss him. I love him. I'm afraid of him yet find security in him. Everything is all sorts of fucked up. I feel like life has played a cruel joke on me. Fuck cruel, it's played a malicious joke on me. I've been touched by love more than once. True love, not just the superficial, teen angst-y sort of love. Not the I can't live with out him sort of love but true, down to the core, feel it in your soul, comp

I write this blog today because I am reminded of loss on this day. Today is April 11th, 2010 and is the birthday of my deceased ex-fiancée. He would have been 25. I glimpse into the past and reflect on the lessons I've learned from my losing him. Shortly before he passed away I had broken up with him. I was tired and struggling. No matter what I had done it seemed like he wouldn't get his life together. He was content in just settling for what life had offered him and I couldn't live with that. I down right refused to live with that. I wanted more than project walls, drinking and toking. I wanted my 2 story house, white picket fence, 2.5 children and a Husband I would love for all of time. He wanted so desperately for us to be together and I told him that I couldn't discount the future and what it may have in store for us but as of that moment, nothing existed between us. It hurt me so much to say such a thing because I loved him so much but i had to do what was rig

"a woman's worth isn't valued by the man that claims he loves her, but the love of self she claims before anyone can claim her..."- Jared C Loving myself has always been difficult for me. It's easier to tell myself that I'm not laudable. In times I have even hated myself. So much so, that I push the people I love the most away, feeling as if their love for me was completely unwarranted and that I was the least deserving person of this love. As I recoup from the disseverance of my marriage I realize now that for a long time I was unhappy with myself. It wasn't my husband that made me miserable or the routine of my days, it was me. I have become cognizant of the fact that I put forth my best efforts to convince myself and my husband that I was undeserving of any of the things that made me happy. I became a person I never wanted to be but had convinced myself that I was. I acted the role so well, that at the end of our marriage my husband was convinced that