Normally, my posts have a theme or topic. Today I'm taking a venture off that beaten path and just writing whatever comes to mind. So bear with me if the post gets lengthy and becomes quite the harangue. I guess I'm just writing to get things out of my head. Things seem quite jumbled lately and nothing seems to make sense.
There's a lot I have sorted through in the last month as far as my self worth and happiness are concerned but I feel as if I haven't touched on some real feelings that I was trying to avoid or deny. I'll start rather bluntly.
I miss him. I love him. I'm afraid of him yet find security in him. Everything is all sorts of fucked up. I feel like life has played a cruel joke on me. Fuck cruel, it's played a malicious joke on me. I've been touched by love more than once. True love, not just the superficial, teen angst-y sort of love. Not the I can't live with out him sort of love but true, down to the core, feel it in your soul, complete each other's sentences , unconditional love. More than once, has it been ripped away from me. That's the type of loss that something inside you dies when it happens.
I've barely touched on this sort of loss and the sadness I've been feeling because of the end of my marriage. The day my husband told me he no longer wanted to be in the marriage, I felt that piece of me die. The hope of my one. Not to say that there isn't or won't be another 'one' (or that he isn't STILL the one) but those that know me know the trials and tribulations I've been through. Those that know, know that I deserved my 'Happily Ever After', that it was long over due. That I had payed my dues and struggled with the strife but apparently life didn't feel as if that was the case.
Each day, I wake up and I want to hate my husband. I do, with the core of my being I want to hate him. I trusted him with so much, I gave myself wholly to him for it to come to this. I didn't trust anybody up until he came into my life after the death of Rob. I didn't want to trust anybody, I had a hole in my heart the size of the universe and constantly tried to fill this gap with superficial love. The kind that gave me a sense of security yet I was always looking over my shoulder to try and see if something was coming from behind. I constantly felt as if I needed to be a whole step ahead of the game. Hell, most of the times I had the relationship planned out so well, that I knew exactly when and how it was going to end because I was always 5 steps ahead of the game. I never had to do that with him.
When I met my husband, I felt comfortable to be myself. To relax. To let go of my past. I had held onto so many material objects of my past, fearing if I let them go that I would lose myself further. But with him, with this particular man, I knew I was on a road and path of rediscovery that no matter what I threw away or let go of, my memories and feelings were strong and that they'd always be with me. And the day he ended our marriage, he shattered that trust. The trust I had in myself, the trust I had in him, the trust in the family we had created together. At that point I thought I needed him in my life. Despite all the problems we were having. Despite the fact that I felt, emotionally raw and taken advantage of. I was quick and ready to blame myself for everything. He had convinced me that it was my fault that everything turned out this way.
It's taken a lot of will power and strength on my part to keep myself pulled together for my daughter. It's taken equally as much strength for me to begin to let go of all the anger I hold towards him and the distrust and rage I want to unleash upon him. Though at times I feel he is fully deserving of it, I don't want to hurt him. I never wanted to hurt him. All I ever wanted to do was love him. I've always loved him unconditionally. My love never came with standards or expectations with him. I just did. For no other explainable reason that I just did.
Fucking, even now, going through everything that we're going through and all the things that have been said and done to each other, I still wake up with the sting of tears in my eyes because I love him. I'll see something on television, in a movie an object or even just look at my daughter and for some reason it strengthens my love for him. I guess, I was under the impression that we had more than what we really had. There are days that I wonder if he loved me at all or if he just thought he loved me. Does he miss me the way I miss him? Is this killing him inside as much as it's killing me? Most of the times it's not even about the 'way' or 'as much', but more of the does he miss me and does it hurt inside for him?
There are so many unanswered questions and I'm a control freak. I can admit that, I like to have answers. To me, there are no such things as an unsolvable riddle. I know many of the questions I want answered will never be answered. I'll never really know how he feels or what's going on inside his head. Sometimes, I'm not even certain he knows. So, how could i expect an answer he doesn't even hold?
I want to lay in bed with him. I want to make love with him. I want to sit in silence with that feeling that everything is going to be okay with him. The same way I felt it when I first realized I was in love with him. He used to say to me that he was undeserving of my love, that he was nothing special. I felt the same way about his love, that I wasn't deserving of it. But I gave it to him, with everything I had and am because he didn't expect it. It wasn't pressured. I wasn't pressured. That's what made him worthy of my love and it being unconditional. I love him for all that he isn't. I never looked at him and saw him as perfection. I was aware of his flaws and accepted them for who he was.
Many people have told me over the last month that I shouldn't care. i shouldn't concern myself with him or how what we're going through affects him. That is so much easier said than done. There are times I agree with these people but then I look at it and I'm not ready to give up on what we had. Things will never be the same between he and I, I am more than aware of this fact. But I don't think that should be a reason for me to discount any sort of future relationship with him. Even if it is just a friendship with him (I'm coming to terms with the fact that that is all the future may hold for us.. if that). We have a child together, his common welfare and well being now directly affects the quality of life I will be able to provide for our daughter. But who am I trying to fool, I care far beyond that. Maybe I shouldn't but I do.
I look back at the end of our relationship and know I deserve better than what he was offering me. Not to say i was giving it my all and that on some level I didn't deserve the distance he was serving me but there were other things I shouldn't have had to tolerate. That in the future I can't possibly tolerate. I value myself way to much for it. I love myself to much to go through that sort of thing again.
In being honest, I love him, I want to be with him but I can't be certain it is what he truly wants. In the past with him I've gotten hurt more than once. His distance and being so closed off from me really damaged my belief that we could survive anything. I had this belief that we had an open and honest relationship and his actions of cutting me off completely have shown me otherwise. Deep down, i want everything to work out. I want to be with him, I really do but I've committed myself to him once and got hurt. I'm leery to go about that again.
I feel misunderstood, underestimated and taken for granted. It always seemed as if no matter how much I did, it was never enough. That the importance of quality didn't matter over the quantity.
I guess, at the end of it all. I feel distraught, not loved by someone I gave myself to, disappointed, lost, angry, and hurt. I never really know where I stand in his life. He says one thing then acts another. I just don't know what to make of it all.
I wish I could tell him that I still love him, unconditionally, and that in my heart of hearts, I know that with time and effort on both our parts we can make it through anything. If it's what he really would want.
Those are my confessions, not writing as a Buddhist or on topic, but me just baring my soul.
With Love and Respect for all in the Universe,
Kristina
There's a lot I have sorted through in the last month as far as my self worth and happiness are concerned but I feel as if I haven't touched on some real feelings that I was trying to avoid or deny. I'll start rather bluntly.
I miss him. I love him. I'm afraid of him yet find security in him. Everything is all sorts of fucked up. I feel like life has played a cruel joke on me. Fuck cruel, it's played a malicious joke on me. I've been touched by love more than once. True love, not just the superficial, teen angst-y sort of love. Not the I can't live with out him sort of love but true, down to the core, feel it in your soul, complete each other's sentences , unconditional love. More than once, has it been ripped away from me. That's the type of loss that something inside you dies when it happens.
I've barely touched on this sort of loss and the sadness I've been feeling because of the end of my marriage. The day my husband told me he no longer wanted to be in the marriage, I felt that piece of me die. The hope of my one. Not to say that there isn't or won't be another 'one' (or that he isn't STILL the one) but those that know me know the trials and tribulations I've been through. Those that know, know that I deserved my 'Happily Ever After', that it was long over due. That I had payed my dues and struggled with the strife but apparently life didn't feel as if that was the case.
Each day, I wake up and I want to hate my husband. I do, with the core of my being I want to hate him. I trusted him with so much, I gave myself wholly to him for it to come to this. I didn't trust anybody up until he came into my life after the death of Rob. I didn't want to trust anybody, I had a hole in my heart the size of the universe and constantly tried to fill this gap with superficial love. The kind that gave me a sense of security yet I was always looking over my shoulder to try and see if something was coming from behind. I constantly felt as if I needed to be a whole step ahead of the game. Hell, most of the times I had the relationship planned out so well, that I knew exactly when and how it was going to end because I was always 5 steps ahead of the game. I never had to do that with him.
When I met my husband, I felt comfortable to be myself. To relax. To let go of my past. I had held onto so many material objects of my past, fearing if I let them go that I would lose myself further. But with him, with this particular man, I knew I was on a road and path of rediscovery that no matter what I threw away or let go of, my memories and feelings were strong and that they'd always be with me. And the day he ended our marriage, he shattered that trust. The trust I had in myself, the trust I had in him, the trust in the family we had created together. At that point I thought I needed him in my life. Despite all the problems we were having. Despite the fact that I felt, emotionally raw and taken advantage of. I was quick and ready to blame myself for everything. He had convinced me that it was my fault that everything turned out this way.
It's taken a lot of will power and strength on my part to keep myself pulled together for my daughter. It's taken equally as much strength for me to begin to let go of all the anger I hold towards him and the distrust and rage I want to unleash upon him. Though at times I feel he is fully deserving of it, I don't want to hurt him. I never wanted to hurt him. All I ever wanted to do was love him. I've always loved him unconditionally. My love never came with standards or expectations with him. I just did. For no other explainable reason that I just did.
Fucking, even now, going through everything that we're going through and all the things that have been said and done to each other, I still wake up with the sting of tears in my eyes because I love him. I'll see something on television, in a movie an object or even just look at my daughter and for some reason it strengthens my love for him. I guess, I was under the impression that we had more than what we really had. There are days that I wonder if he loved me at all or if he just thought he loved me. Does he miss me the way I miss him? Is this killing him inside as much as it's killing me? Most of the times it's not even about the 'way' or 'as much', but more of the does he miss me and does it hurt inside for him?
There are so many unanswered questions and I'm a control freak. I can admit that, I like to have answers. To me, there are no such things as an unsolvable riddle. I know many of the questions I want answered will never be answered. I'll never really know how he feels or what's going on inside his head. Sometimes, I'm not even certain he knows. So, how could i expect an answer he doesn't even hold?
I want to lay in bed with him. I want to make love with him. I want to sit in silence with that feeling that everything is going to be okay with him. The same way I felt it when I first realized I was in love with him. He used to say to me that he was undeserving of my love, that he was nothing special. I felt the same way about his love, that I wasn't deserving of it. But I gave it to him, with everything I had and am because he didn't expect it. It wasn't pressured. I wasn't pressured. That's what made him worthy of my love and it being unconditional. I love him for all that he isn't. I never looked at him and saw him as perfection. I was aware of his flaws and accepted them for who he was.
Many people have told me over the last month that I shouldn't care. i shouldn't concern myself with him or how what we're going through affects him. That is so much easier said than done. There are times I agree with these people but then I look at it and I'm not ready to give up on what we had. Things will never be the same between he and I, I am more than aware of this fact. But I don't think that should be a reason for me to discount any sort of future relationship with him. Even if it is just a friendship with him (I'm coming to terms with the fact that that is all the future may hold for us.. if that). We have a child together, his common welfare and well being now directly affects the quality of life I will be able to provide for our daughter. But who am I trying to fool, I care far beyond that. Maybe I shouldn't but I do.
I look back at the end of our relationship and know I deserve better than what he was offering me. Not to say i was giving it my all and that on some level I didn't deserve the distance he was serving me but there were other things I shouldn't have had to tolerate. That in the future I can't possibly tolerate. I value myself way to much for it. I love myself to much to go through that sort of thing again.
In being honest, I love him, I want to be with him but I can't be certain it is what he truly wants. In the past with him I've gotten hurt more than once. His distance and being so closed off from me really damaged my belief that we could survive anything. I had this belief that we had an open and honest relationship and his actions of cutting me off completely have shown me otherwise. Deep down, i want everything to work out. I want to be with him, I really do but I've committed myself to him once and got hurt. I'm leery to go about that again.
I feel misunderstood, underestimated and taken for granted. It always seemed as if no matter how much I did, it was never enough. That the importance of quality didn't matter over the quantity.
I guess, at the end of it all. I feel distraught, not loved by someone I gave myself to, disappointed, lost, angry, and hurt. I never really know where I stand in his life. He says one thing then acts another. I just don't know what to make of it all.
I wish I could tell him that I still love him, unconditionally, and that in my heart of hearts, I know that with time and effort on both our parts we can make it through anything. If it's what he really would want.
Those are my confessions, not writing as a Buddhist or on topic, but me just baring my soul.
With Love and Respect for all in the Universe,
Kristina
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