On having Strength

Growing up I had always been known as the strong one. The person in the family who didn't show their feelings through a crisis as to keep everything together. It was a very brittle strength. I never felt as if I had an outlet for all the hurt I was feeling.So I always bottled my feelings up never allowing myself to feel much. Never really allowing myself to cry or to be seen crying.

Five years ago that strength finally cracked. My ex-fiancée died and I was lost. I didn't know what to do with myself. I was beside myself. I had invested almost 5 years of my life into him. After he died, I went and did things to cover up the pain. Never really dealing with it. I had based so much of who I was on our relationship that when he passed away I felt like I had died. My family tried to be supportive but all I could do was push them away. I had never dealt with such anguish before. I felt vulnerable and scared. Immediately, I erected some what of a labyrinth and fortress around me. People who tried to get in rarely found their way out and many gave up before they could even hit the entrance. I was comfortable with that. Nobody ever really knew who I was or what to expect. It almost became a game to me. Fuck, it was a game. I was the prey and I enjoyed being hunted.

Things changed when I actually met a man I wanted to let it. It wasn't easy at first. I had spent so much time putting up all these walls that even I wasn't sure how to get out. I wound up just crashing through walls leaving behind a wake of destruction. Removing these barriers took a lot of guts. (Or was it just sheer stupidity?) Unfortunately, it also left me emotionally raw and vulnerable. I sought comfort. He was all to willing to provide. So rather than finding the inner strength I have, I just found solace in his shelter. Very soon after he became the foundation I stood upon. The constant in my life.

I allowed him to envelope me, forgetting all that I have within. So much so, that I didn't even believe him when he told me I possessed these qualities in myself. Whenever he shifted, I reacted as if there was an earthquake. My footing was unsteady and unsure. Which did not settle well. Eventually, it came to be the same person I sought strength and security from was the same person I feared. The constant need for reassurance became to much for either of us to handle. He felt as if I was asking for to much and I felt like I never got enough. It was a horrible, energy draining, and unfulfillable way of life.


It wasn't until things got so bad that I had to reach deep within myself and try and find that strength I had let go of so long ago. There are days I wake up and the only strength I have is my daughter. Everyday is a new day and I have to find the source of strength within myself to keep moving forward. I can no longer afford such securities as I once had. They are no longer an option.


It really makes one question "What is strength?" If one looks up the definition in the dictionary, one will find many definitions of the word strength. The definitions that resonates with me the most is as follows:

a. A source of power or force.

b. One that is regarded as the embodiment of protective or supportive power; a support or mainstay.

c. An attribute or quality of particular worth or utility; an asset.

After reading these definitions it gave me a lot to think about. I once thought certain feelings signified weakness. Feelings such as anger, hurt, sadness, & pain were a sign of weakness. I now know living through what I've been through that these feelings don't represent any sort of soft spot. That they are HUMAN emotions. That I am human and that it is my response to these emotions that represent any sort of deficiency in me as a human. 

If I choose to ignore or suppress these feelings the only person I am hurting is myself. THAT is my impairment. If I run away rather than deal with each feeling and allow them to process before a reaction it shows my weakness as a human. 

It is only when I choose to face these feelings, respond accordingly that I can be strong. It is then that I am tapping into an inner strength and allowing myself to be free. Freedom from ones self and ones emotions is strength. That does not equate to not feeling anything as having strength. What it means is to allow yourself to feel, not justify but to actually honestly feel, process and move forward.

Having strength is not something everyone can do or deal with. They feel as if they always need to be strong. That sharing their weakness is a character defect. But it is only through positive reinforcement & honest practice can true strength shine.

With that, I leave you with two quotes directly related to having strength.

* Our real problem, then, is not our strength today; it is rather the vital necessity of action today to ensure our strength tomorrow. Dwight D. Eisenhower


* I believe that anyone can conquer fear by doing the things he fears to do, provided he keeps doing them until he gets a record of successful experiences behind him. Eleanor Roosevelt

With Love and Respect for all in the Universe,

Kristina