Diary of a Mending Heart

My first instinct was to title this blog "Diary of a Broken Heart", seeming as how recent and very current events had left my heart, mind, soul and psyche in such a state. Upon much contemplation, I discovered that if I allowed myself to dwell upon the broken heart that it would remain as such. So, here we are chronicling my life and re-birth.

For those that do not know the back story or any history, I'll start from the beginning. But that begs the question of; "Where does this all really start?"

Which is a REALLY good question. Let's just start with the past 2 years, I'm sure we'll wind up further back in my life as I write these blogs and continue on my journey. I'm certain there will be correlations between my childhood, previous relationships, friendships and my current marriage for this to all tie together.

Two years ago I was a different person than I am today. If you asked me to characterize the woman I was then I would have to say she was:

• Care free
• Fun loving
• Charismatic
• Full of life
• Independent
• Affectionate
• Sweet

and so much more that I can not possibly think of in a half sleep deprived mind. She was so much happier than I am now. She was so much happier than I've been in a long time. So what happened to this woman?

Sometimes I'm not even certain. She became consumed by anger, hate, love, and stress. How? Why? When? I'm not even confident that I have the full answers to those questions. 

You see, two years ago she met this amazing man at a party. She had been hurt many times in the past, was in a terrible relationship at that present time, and all in all had her defenses up. People who knew this woman described it as if she had a fortress built around her, as to let no one get to close. But there was something different about this man she met. He was kind, gentle, understanding, genuine and so much more. He shared her interests, in comics, movies, music and so much more. They would spend hours on the phone and in person talking about nothing, everything and laughing the entire time. It seemed as if the pain from the past just melted away when she was with him.

As their relationship developed she learned to love him on a level that she had never experienced before. In the past she had been with men she swore she wanted to marry but in retrospect none of them were ever really good enough. They didn't treat her with respect, kindness, compassion and general sense of caring.. with this particular man she felt safe, taken care of, loved and respected. She knew that this was the man she was going to spend the rest of her life with. He was the one she felt that she was destined to be with for all of time. It just seemed to serendipitous for their paths to have crossed with out knowledge so many times and it not to be meant to be. Then one day they discovered she was pregnant. It was something they had discussed in the short amount of time they had been together but wasn't really planning.

I think this is where that above stated/described woman began to really change. They had only been together for 3 months and that woman started to doubt everything. Even herself. She became so very insecure about everything. her mind, her body and her future. Previously, she had dreams, hopes, and ambitions. While she was pregnant she felt trapped, confined and hopeless. She came to rely on this man even more so than before. She had always been a bit demanding and wanting but now that her heart was full of fear it became unreasonable. Whatever powers may be, Bless that man's soul because he stuck with her every step of the way. He gave her her every whim and desire. But fear consumed her and though she spoke of it with him, I now know she never really went into depth of just how afraid she was. With her past experiences she could never depend on anyone but herself, now she was completely dependent on this man. Her self-esteem plummeted with her pregnancy causing her more fear and stress.

During all of this emotional turmoil she became a person she barely recognized. Never once did she take the time to look in the mirror and evaluate herself. Everything just continually built on top of itself and each other. It caused many complications in the relationship. Bickering and fighting over what most would consider the pettiest subjects in the world. When their daughter arrived it didn't get much better. She just continued being angry, bitter, jaded and cynical. She came to hate the world and everyone in it. Which was completely uncharacteristic of her but she was to busy caring for her daughter to notice or care about the changes she'd undergone. She'd given up everything she loved about herself (and ultimately what he had loved about her) to focus on this new family that had been created. All of her attention went to her husband and child. Constantly worrying about if they were fine, if the future was fine and how they were going to make it. She couldn't just trust in faith anymore.

It was such a drastic change in such a short amount of time, I don't think anybody who really knew the old her could notice. It just seemed as if she had always been like this.

Let's fast forward a bit. This has already gotten quite lengthy and you need not ALL the details. (I'm going to continue this in a present tense using I and me)

Things got really bad between my husband and I. It became unbearable. As if we couldn't stand each other. The fighting was always there. We said mean and horrible things to each other, that at times  I can't be sure we didn't really mean it. It hurt on a daily basis to love him so much and feel as if he really hated me. In reflection, he probably felt the same way towards me. We became judgmental of each other, quick to point out faults, mistakes and irrational behavior. We just couldn't seem to see eye to eye anymore. We went from being able to complete each others sentences to complete strangers.

I hated it. Every moment of it. I resented him. I felt like he was locking me out, quick to end a conversation just so he wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. Just so he wouldn't have to deal with me anymore. It was painful. In front of me I had the man who means everything to me and yet I just couldn't seem to understand him. I never wanted to argue with him. I wanted to understand him and to be understood as well. The more we fought the angrier I got. The quicker it became for me to lash out, judge and do hurtful things. It came to feel as if my feelings didn't matter to him at all. He seemed to make light of it or even tell me it was childish. In my opinion, some things may have been childish but it didn't discount my feelings. After that things quickly changed between us.

They changed for the worse. Our relationship came crashing down around us. At first, I was really angry. I felt hopeless. I wanted to hold onto whatever good we had (which there wasn't any left) I bought into him telling me things were my fault and that everything bad was because of me. I felt vengeful because I had given him all of me, everything that composed me and gave it up for our family and now he was leaving us. I wanted to act out in the worst of ways. Dreamt up the evilest of plans on how I could hurt him, on how i could exact my revenge. I wanted to make his life hell but every morning I woke up, prepared to ruin his life, but i couldn't do it. I was tired of being angry. I couldn't hold onto my anger anymore. It was burning me out. I love him to much to actually CONSCIOUSLY destroy him. Even when we hit rock bottom and I had to do things I never wanted to do, when I had to make the toughest decisions, I didn't do it because I wanted to hurt him. I'm not going to state the reasons I did it right here in this particular blog, maybe in time I will but it's not the time right now.

Even now, knowing where our relationship stands there are days I wake up wishing I could hate him. That I could hold a grudge against him. But within moments, my heart fills with love, compassion, empathy and forgiveness. Not only for or towards him but for myself. He hasn't asked for my forgiveness and possibly never will but he has it and that is what makes it pure.Sometimes, I want to pick up the phone and explain it all to him but I know he needs to go through this alone. I want him to know that I have parts of that woman he fell in love with still inside me. That each day I wake up and rediscover myself. I work on finding the pieces I lost. That I'm not vacant anymore, that hatred and anger no longer echo through the shell of my body or heart.

Some mornings, I just want to thank him. For what? For all that he has ever done for me, the beautiful daughter he helped me create, for seeing me through my absolute worst (even if it did result in our not speaking anymore) and for him to know because of that I am a better person.

It took me way to long to figure out the lessons he was trying to teach me but I got them. I'm able to look in a mirror today and recognize myself. The beauty I have with in myself knows no bounds. I feel myself growing stronger and firm in my resolve.

Most of all though, I just wish I could tell him that despite everything, I love him. He means that much to me and our daughter. It hurts to know that he doesn't feel the same way about me but at the end of the day I silently thank him for the almost 2 years we had together. It meant a lot to me, changed me for the worse, until the worse became better.

Thanks for reading and come back for more updates on Diary of a Mending Heart