I've managed to live my life with very little to no regret. Sure, I have looked back and regretted things, but quickly told myself that there was no need to regret anything because the experience has made me a better person. Regret is not always easy to move passed or push forward from. You tend to get stuck in the past and with the wouldacouldashoulda's of life.
Like I said, there wasn't much in life I regretted. Now, here I am full of regrets and trying not to be resentful. I met an amazing man almost 3 years ago. He was everything I wanted and more. I had no choice but to fall for him. I had no choice but to trust him wholly despite every fiber of my being fighting against it. He doesn't believe that. But that's not what I'm writing about. Regrets, I seem to have plenty lately.
List of Regrets:
1) Holding Out That First Night... 'Because I wanted him to respect me in the morning'
I never should have listened to his pretty words and empty promises. Never should have thought to myself "I want more with this man than just messin' around" (I never did get to go to that Giants game or anything of that sort)
2) Allowing myself to emotionally and financially rely on him.
Never before him had I ever relied on somebody so much. In all my previous relationships I had been the breadwinner. The one who held things together. I couldn't fathom not being the one solely responsible for everything. He told me everything was going to be ok and I believed him. Now look where I am.
3) Trusting him
Contrary to his popular belief I trusted him. WHOLLY. I put my life in his hands and let him have at it. I gave him my heart and he tore it to pieces.
4)Not being able to effectively communicate with the man I love and hold so dear in my heart.
I don't know where it all went wrong. If it was my problem. His problem. Or a little bit from Column A and a lil' from Column B. Probably the latter of 3. I have a strong personality. One that is not easily dealt with at all times. I like to play Devil's Advocate and am taken to seriously at times. He didn't like making decisions and took my debates as if it were set in stone. He came to believe there was no pleasing me and that there never would be. He gave up and I kept trying.
5) Staying, Leaving and coming back.
I stayed longer than i should have. Knowing the path our relationship was following. I thought it could be fixed. That something would change. I'm tenacious and I don't like to give up. Failure is not an option, nor is it a word in my dictionary. I strive on fortitude and believed I possessed the strength to make him happy. Sadly I was wrong. I left, maybe I shouldn't have left. Especially the way I did the first time. Then, I came back. He asked me to, I thought he truly wanted me there. Now, I see he was just trying to fill a void in his own life. He thought I might fit that. He believed I was unfair and I agreed with him (even though deep down I knew what i had done was right) I caved. Listened to his empty promises again and caved. He is my weakness.
6) Not making certain concessions.
Okay, so I don't like to back down at times. Especially if I know for fact I am right. There is no use arguing with me when I believe of know for fact I am not wrong. There are times where I like to believe we live in a fair and just world and that everyone operates on principle. So, when it came to principle I could have backed down and not been so harsh. (I'll have to work on that)
7) Allowing myself to be emotionally vulnerable.
After Rob's passing I had become a stone wall. I didn't allow myself to become attached, especially emotionally attached, to another human being. I felt I'd be setting myself up for pain. Pain I did not want to deal with. Pain I was not ready to deal with.
I resent him for all of the above.
Like I said, there wasn't much in life I regretted. Now, here I am full of regrets and trying not to be resentful. I met an amazing man almost 3 years ago. He was everything I wanted and more. I had no choice but to fall for him. I had no choice but to trust him wholly despite every fiber of my being fighting against it. He doesn't believe that. But that's not what I'm writing about. Regrets, I seem to have plenty lately.
List of Regrets:
1) Holding Out That First Night... 'Because I wanted him to respect me in the morning'
I never should have listened to his pretty words and empty promises. Never should have thought to myself "I want more with this man than just messin' around" (I never did get to go to that Giants game or anything of that sort)
2) Allowing myself to emotionally and financially rely on him.
Never before him had I ever relied on somebody so much. In all my previous relationships I had been the breadwinner. The one who held things together. I couldn't fathom not being the one solely responsible for everything. He told me everything was going to be ok and I believed him. Now look where I am.
3) Trusting him
Contrary to his popular belief I trusted him. WHOLLY. I put my life in his hands and let him have at it. I gave him my heart and he tore it to pieces.
4)Not being able to effectively communicate with the man I love and hold so dear in my heart.
I don't know where it all went wrong. If it was my problem. His problem. Or a little bit from Column A and a lil' from Column B. Probably the latter of 3. I have a strong personality. One that is not easily dealt with at all times. I like to play Devil's Advocate and am taken to seriously at times. He didn't like making decisions and took my debates as if it were set in stone. He came to believe there was no pleasing me and that there never would be. He gave up and I kept trying.
5) Staying, Leaving and coming back.
I stayed longer than i should have. Knowing the path our relationship was following. I thought it could be fixed. That something would change. I'm tenacious and I don't like to give up. Failure is not an option, nor is it a word in my dictionary. I strive on fortitude and believed I possessed the strength to make him happy. Sadly I was wrong. I left, maybe I shouldn't have left. Especially the way I did the first time. Then, I came back. He asked me to, I thought he truly wanted me there. Now, I see he was just trying to fill a void in his own life. He thought I might fit that. He believed I was unfair and I agreed with him (even though deep down I knew what i had done was right) I caved. Listened to his empty promises again and caved. He is my weakness.
6) Not making certain concessions.
Okay, so I don't like to back down at times. Especially if I know for fact I am right. There is no use arguing with me when I believe of know for fact I am not wrong. There are times where I like to believe we live in a fair and just world and that everyone operates on principle. So, when it came to principle I could have backed down and not been so harsh. (I'll have to work on that)
7) Allowing myself to be emotionally vulnerable.
After Rob's passing I had become a stone wall. I didn't allow myself to become attached, especially emotionally attached, to another human being. I felt I'd be setting myself up for pain. Pain I did not want to deal with. Pain I was not ready to deal with.
I resent him for all of the above.
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