Diary of a Mending Heart

I've managed to live my life with very little to no regret. Sure, I have looked back and regretted things, but quickly told myself that there was no need to regret anything because the experience has made me a better person. Regret is not always easy to move passed or push forward from. You tend to get stuck in the past and with the wouldacouldashoulda's of life. Like I said, there wasn't much in life I regretted. Now, here I am full of regrets and trying not to be resentful. I met an amazing man almost 3 years ago. He was everything I wanted and more. I had no choice but to fall for him. I had no choice but to trust him wholly despite every fiber of my being fighting against it. He doesn't believe that. But that's not what I'm writing about. Regrets, I seem to have plenty lately. List of Regrets: 1) Holding Out That First Night... 'Because I wanted him to respect me in the morning'     I never should have listened to his pretty words and empty pro

Intense love does not measure it just gives  Mother Teresa of Calcutta I have not written in my blog for a long long time. But between time and space, my heart hasn't stopped mending or breaking. There is a lot to be left unwritten and unfortunately those times will remain the unwritten chapters of my journey. Somethings are better left to ones soul to sort out and not necessarily the rest of the world. The past months have been a whirlwind of emotions. Ups and downs, lefts and rights. Never really knowing where I was going or what i was doing. But I'd like to focus on the quote above in this writing because I love and I love deeply but to often have I heard the words spat at me that I don't love him because I've done (fill in the blank) Each time I hear this it hurts me more and more. I love so deeply and intensely I haven't kept track of the times he has made me happy. I don't keep a tally on the times he's hurt me. Love and time forgives and heals al

So it's been a while since I've posted in my blog. Time constraints keep me from accessing the parts of me that I desire. Hopefully, now that can change.

Normally, my posts have a theme or topic. Today I'm taking a venture off that beaten path and just writing whatever comes to mind. So bear with me if the post gets lengthy and becomes quite the harangue. I guess I'm just writing to get things out of my head. Things seem quite jumbled lately and nothing seems to make sense. There's a lot I have sorted through in the last month as far as my self worth and happiness are concerned but I feel as if I haven't touched on some real feelings that I was trying to avoid or deny. I'll start rather bluntly. I miss him. I love him. I'm afraid of him yet find security in him. Everything is all sorts of fucked up. I feel like life has played a cruel joke on me. Fuck cruel, it's played a malicious joke on me. I've been touched by love more than once. True love, not just the superficial, teen angst-y sort of love. Not the I can't live with out him sort of love but true, down to the core, feel it in your soul, comp

I write this blog today because I am reminded of loss on this day. Today is April 11th, 2010 and is the birthday of my deceased ex-fiancée. He would have been 25. I glimpse into the past and reflect on the lessons I've learned from my losing him. Shortly before he passed away I had broken up with him. I was tired and struggling. No matter what I had done it seemed like he wouldn't get his life together. He was content in just settling for what life had offered him and I couldn't live with that. I down right refused to live with that. I wanted more than project walls, drinking and toking. I wanted my 2 story house, white picket fence, 2.5 children and a Husband I would love for all of time. He wanted so desperately for us to be together and I told him that I couldn't discount the future and what it may have in store for us but as of that moment, nothing existed between us. It hurt me so much to say such a thing because I loved him so much but i had to do what was rig

"a woman's worth isn't valued by the man that claims he loves her, but the love of self she claims before anyone can claim her..."- Jared C Loving myself has always been difficult for me. It's easier to tell myself that I'm not laudable. In times I have even hated myself. So much so, that I push the people I love the most away, feeling as if their love for me was completely unwarranted and that I was the least deserving person of this love. As I recoup from the disseverance of my marriage I realize now that for a long time I was unhappy with myself. It wasn't my husband that made me miserable or the routine of my days, it was me. I have become cognizant of the fact that I put forth my best efforts to convince myself and my husband that I was undeserving of any of the things that made me happy. I became a person I never wanted to be but had convinced myself that I was. I acted the role so well, that at the end of our marriage my husband was convinced that